Sunday, November 13, 2016

And the horse you rode in on

Hey look! An election post!

I recently said on twitter to a few followers who felt the brunt of my anger, "You can forgive my anger as you will, and I appreciate your words of kindness. But kind words have been letting me down for years".  This is a true statement, and it is no less true today.

I've heard many Trump supporters who, when faced with my anger, my pain, and my fear, tell me that should anything happen to threaten my rights, they will have my back. Well, pardon me for calling bullshit on that because something JUST HAPPENED to threaten my rights and you voted it into office. When you had the chance to support me and my kind, you didn't but now suddenly you will? Sorry, I don't actually believe you anymore. And really I've never believed you.

But, they say, Trump is really good on LGBT rights. In reality, we have no clue about his LGBT rights. What we have is a number of flip flopping statements and a photo op which is just a picture of him holding the pride flag upside down, with that "I'm the best, look at the best things I do" shit face grin. That means nothing, but LGBT republicans are flocking to that as proof to get them off the hook for the bad thing they just did.

So in the valley of blank that is Trump's stance on LGBT rights and lives, let's look into what we do know. Trump has vowed to overturn Obama's executive orders and policies and LGBT polices are included in that sweeping statement. So regulations that protect housing and health coverage, leave benefits, and transgender issues are out the door. This was confirmed by Mike Pence, who just last month said they would make sure to reverse these measures .

Trump also stated that he would appoint Supreme Court Justices that would overturn Obergefell - which he found a shocking decision - and that it needs to go back to the states to once again have a Frankenstein's monster of patchwork rights.

Trump also stated that he would sign the First Amendment Defense Act which is basically the smoke screen for allowing any business to deny LGBT people service under the idea that I offend their deeply held religious beliefs. And since these things are usually worded so vaguely to avoid being immediately struck down by a court of law, who knows who else is going to be swept up into this wave of protection.

But that's not enough for people. No, they think he is still an unknown on LGBT issues. So let's look at the people that he is surrounding himself with.

Mike Pence - even worse that Trump. He is seems to be the old school evangelical that loves to hate the gays... errr.. loves to hate the sin of the gays like that makes a fucking difference. His stances are odious and harmful and are listed here.

Ken Blackwell - he's on Trump's transition team and is a senior Fellow at the Famly Research Council. If you don't know who the FRC is, count yourself lucky that you've not run into this hate group. But among Ken's many statements, Ken likes to think that the gays can be changed with the right treatment.

Ed Meese - another of Trump's transition team. He's a fellow at the Heritage Foundation, again if you haven't run into them, lucky you. The Heritage Foundation just loves to day that protecting LGBT folks isn't necessary and we weaken the marriage culture. Plus, the Heritage Foundation is helping to vet people for Trump's cabinet. Let that sink in for a moment. They want to make sure Trump's cabinet meets their ideals.

Kay Cole James - more from the transition team here. She's a former senior vice president of the Family Research Council. We just talked about them, but Kay likes to compare LGBT people to drug addicts, alcoholics, adulterers, or anything else sinful. So much fun.

His cabinet appointees are already a list of people who are pretty bad on LGBT rights -


  • Pam Bondi
  • Mike Huckabee
  • Ben Carson
  • Rick Scott
  • Jan Brewer
  • Jeff Sessions

And it goes on. So, if you want to say that Trump is a blank slate on LGBT rights, his choices for advisers to surround him really fill in those blanks, and fill them in poorly. This is what LGBT people see when looking at a Trump administration, and this is why they are afraid for their rights.

We remember Prop 8, when that was never supposed to pass and take away our marriage rights, but it did. We remember the Defense of Marriage Act from people who at least said they were in our corner, and Trump has barely said that. We are a group that has been under attack for a very long time, and you just want to wave your hand and tell us to wait and see. We've seen plenty and if you have been too blind to see it or just ignoring it to sleep at night, that's on you not me. I'm not letting you off the hook, I'm not willing to believe that you will suddenly have my back.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Pride, Anger, Joy, Sadness, and it’s not about you.



I’ve been pretty angry since Monday. I would say since Sunday, but I was mostly numb on Sunday as a horror played out in Orlando, Florida at a gay nightclub named Pulse. I was numb because I was waiting for word on people I knew there, people that might not have survived a horrific event. I was also numb because violence against my community is my norm. I expect it – every day as I weigh what I’m going to wear and how I’m going to present myself and how much of a target that paints on my back. I was also numb because part of me was feeling comfortable again, and that part of my brain got a sharp smack back into reality. 

These day to day decisions, when to come out to whom, are just the exhausting part of my landscape. I have to decide when to come out to my boss, I have to decide when meeting strangers if I’m going to call Brent my husband or just avoid that whole conversation. I’ve talked about this level of oppression before in the blog. It’s not too far down, so I’m not going to rehash all of it here. 

Like many other LGBT+ people, I don’t show affection in public, Brent and I don’t hold hands, we keep a close but often acceptable distance between us. This is because such acts attract violence, anger, and more from strangers. I’ll never forget during the ‘marriage’ debate, how many tables would loudly speak up about their resistance to marriage equality when Brent and I would sit down to eat. It exists, it is a part of our fabric in society that loves to reinforce how LGBT+ people aren’t worth common decency and respect. We are still the ugly other, the ‘sin’, the unwanted. And this act of hate was done in June, the month set aside for gay folks to feel proud of who they are, proud for surviving. I know so many people who are confused by that, “Survive what?” We survived our society, our family, strangers and growing up gay.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s, I came out in the AIDs crisis, and I thought my time on earth would be very limited. Being gay meant dying, somehow. Either killed by disease or killed by a stranger. I survived hearing the jokes that were told about gay people at family parties, when all I wanted to do was crawl back into myself and hide at the laughter, because I knew they were laughing about me. I survived my own suicidal thoughts and actions. I survived all the games of “Smear the Queer” played on the playground, as my growing awareness of myself began to understand just what that meant. The potential of violence against me is real, and I know that because I’ve been taught that. All this was reinforced when I finally came out in college, and my friends warned me about going out to the gay bars that summer, because someone was shooting gay people around Loring Park. That is my reality. And I have it ‘easy’, because I’m not a person of color nor am I a woman. 

And the violence against LGBT+ people is always there, in words and deeds. 200 plus laws against LGBT+ people were introduced in the last year alone, backlash from being treated equally in marriage. When I was planning my wedding, I even had a family member question WHY I wanted to get married. Why would I want to enter into that after all these years, and then in the same breath explain how their child would have no choice but to get married. Because LGBT+ people aren’t worthy of such things, we sully these institutions just by wanting them, let alone getting them. And when that violence once again manifested in the largest mass shooting against my people, I and so many of my community all thought “That could have easily been me”. And it could have.

On the Monday, after the shooting, I saw support from those closest to me. But I saw so much worse in the world at large. Many people wanted to simply erase the LGBT+ aspect of the shooting, after all they were Americans first, and there is nothing wrong with being American. The subtle words that once again deny that my gayness is worthy of survival.  Many people stating that the shooter had done gods work, and that he wasn’t finished. Preachers actively posting sermons about how good and correct the shooter was for killing 49 of my people, while an unknown amount of other churches had similar talks but just didn’t post them online for the world to see. The righteous would appear all across social media to let gay people know that they were happy we were killed and nowhere was safe. Not even Instagram, where comments rolled in with glee, darkening the words spoken in support. Our safe spaces weren't safe, our month of Pride wasn't safe.

That’s when the anger began, and hasn’t stopped yet. The most galling part as I posted these words of hate, bringing them to the light so people can see just what this society does on a daily basis to gay people, a chorus of “Not all Christians” began. They aren’t real Christians and that I needed to understand that I was being unfair. This ugly, redirected narrative to not only silence valid criticisms of my day to day experiences at the hands of the devout but also to absolve them of ANY wrong doing, intentional or not. It was far more important that I be silent. I had to be careful about what I say, even though the local GOP has stated their mission is to undo my protections. Even though 5 years ago, the Catholic Church spent millions to send out DVDs to talk about how unworthy of marriage I was. Even though the righteous set a bomb off in a Target bathroom because trans people have to find a place to pee. If I were to list everything, this post would be pages and pages long. But let’s remember, it’s not about what was done to my community, during Pride. Because again, society likes to reinforce that we gay folks should just be happy that we survived another day. But maybe I should take a lesson from their book:

Love the religious person, not their religion.

And as I grieve and rage, I also understand that it’s not about me either. I felt the hurt and anger closely because it could have been me. But it wasn’t. There are 49 people dead, and their families are hurting. I have friends who lost people, and they will be sorely missed. And I need to keep my anger for them, so that one day, future LGBT+ people won’t know the fear that I was forged in and will just know peace.

And we will survive and grown stronger. I know that I will, because I've been doing it for 46 years now. I've taken the punches, sneers, words, and actions against me and kept going. It's what LGBT+ people do, and will keep doing for now and forever.  

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

A Force Awakened

Star Wars the Force Awakens is here. I, of course, loved it because it's Star Wars and I've previously explained how much Star wars means to me. However, there are many things about this new movie that I think were superbly done. JJ Abrams really created a wonderfully familiar sandbox that at it's core is Star Wars, but brings many new and exciting ideas to the Star Wars universe. He did what I knew he had to do, create a way to pass the torch from the old Star Wars to a new generation.

Before I jump into Episode 7, let me talk a bit out what I see the stories of 1-3 and 4-6 being and how they inform thing in 7.

Anakin Skywalker is the central figure in Episodes 1-3, and at their heart, 1-3 is a tragedy. A noble man is undone by a fatal flaw, and I do think Lucas was trying to go more Shakespearean for 1-3 than he had in 4-6 because this wasn't about a heroes journey but all about the fall of Anakin (he even tried including a fool in Jar Jar with very limited success). It was important to be aware of Anakin's flaw being his attachments - to his mother as a child and having to leave her behind, to losing her to the sand people, and his failure with Ashoka in the Clone Wars - so that when he is faced with another potential loss in Padme, he has no hope but to be undone by that flaw. It's also important to understand that only one Jedi obtained 'immortality', and that is Qui Gon Jinn. Yoda becomes aware that Qui Gon Jinn returned after death when he hears him in the force as Anakin is killing all the sand people. He then tells Obi Wan to learn how to do this as well. This are fairly important details that feed into understanding parts of 4-6. We are also told of the prophecy about someone bringing balance to the force, but we aren't really told what that is. Now, it seems clear that the Sith and Jedi think balance means that only they exist, but that's not how balance works. More on this in a bit.

So, 4-6 are all about the hero's journey of Luke, but also a bit about the redemption Darth Vader. More importantly, 4-6 are the first repeat of a cycle in many ways. The same bits that fed into Anakin's past, feed into Luke's past. Luke loses his 'parents' in uncle Owen and Beru, as Anakin lost his mother. Luke 'loses' Obi Wan, as Anakin lost Qui Gon Jinn. Both start on a hopeless desert planet trying to survive. And in many ways, episodes 1-3 are a mirror image of episodes 4-6. Now, there are a few things that stick out as being a bit off to me, and that's just how much Obi Wan manipulates Luke to try to get the balance that he believes which is no sith. He isn't actually killed by Darth Vader, but lures Vader to have a big showy fight for Luke's sake, then disappears into the force to become a force spirit like Qui Gon did (Yoda does this too). This way, he can place a giant wedge between Luke and Vader so that Luke is less likely to be tempted by his father. Plus, Obi Wan pretty much spins the truth to lead Luke around, for valid reasons but it's still a bit of a dick move.

This leads us to 7. Now, many people write off 7 as a remake of 4. It's true that events of 4 and 7 mirror each other, and that is very important to the story. By using the events and archetypes that we know from 4-6, we can learn so much about the world through the elements that are different than we do from the parts that are the same. Even the opening crawl does this to us with the last line, "General Leia has sent her most daring pilot". This is designed to make us think we are going to see Han, but instead we get Poe (aka my space boyfriend). Right away we are informed much about Poe by comparing him silently to Han. He's a great pilot, irreverent, and clever. But he is also very loyal and committed to the cause immediately, unlike Han who had to be convinced to think of more than himself. This says a lot about who Poe is in a short amount of time.

Rey is a woman trying to survive on Jakku. A lone figure on desert planet, who has lost her family. She is our Luke and we know this from all the little things they show us. She wears a rebel fighters helmet, she's immediately a great pilot much like Luke and Anakin were. Here, the similarities help us to guess at who this mystery girl really is. But they also show that she is a surviver. Unlike Luke, who was an innocent punk kid, Rey is a fighter who has struggled. She knows how to defend herself, she understands mechanics by surviving through scavenging parts (her opening scene of removing the part from the Star Destroyer is a clever telegraph of what she does later to open the doors for Han and Chewie on Starkiller Base). She knows how to fight, but she also is compassionate and wants to do the right thing and avoids temptation, like selling BB8 for more food than she has probably seen in her lifetime. But she also has a flaw of attachment, she feels she has to stay on Jakku to be with her family. She, like Anakin, can't let go. But unlike Anakin, she eventually accepts that loss in her life.

Finn is the wild card. Finn is a villian seeking redemption, but he is also our innocent. He knows nothing of the world other than what he was conditioned to believe. In that first battle, when what he was conditioned to believe and the reality of what he sees around him collide, he rejects that life. He also becomes our reluctant hero. While Rey is use to fighting, and runs head first into action, Finn wants to run away, to survive. They are a good pair together because they show the two sides of most human insticts, fight or flight. I think most people would be Finn, just get away and be safe. But Finn will do the right thing to protect the people he cares about.

Kylo Ren is Darth Vader, or at least he wants to be. All of the familiar trappings of Darth inform us about Kylo, he's cruel, angry and is a emo whiner like Anakin. However, they let us know right away that he is different. We have not seen such raw and blunt force use like we see with Kylo. This difference shows us something has changed. His powers are bigger, more dangerous (which is also mirrored in Starkiller Base - bigger and more deadly). But, we also get to see that unlike Darth Vader, Kylo feels a pull to the light, he knows what he is doing and can feel that regret and guilt gnawing at him. He has to remind himself to stay angry, to stay in the darkness where he thinks he has power. He is at his most powerful when he is lashing out, and filled with fear. The scene with Rey resisting him and uncovering his fear about not living up to Vader was excellent in not only humanizing Kylo and his weakness more, but showing Rey's awakening power and confidence. Kylo also has to deal with his father, and is offered the same choice that Luke had to make. But unlike Luke, Kylo decides to finally give into the darkside and destroys his father to make his journey complete.

So right away, we know much about these people by who they are like, and where they differ. But the events of The Force Awakens also tell us a lot about the world and galaxy. First of all, we are running through the same events again. We know that Anakin failed to bring balance in 1-3, but the hope that Luke brought us in 4-6 also didn't pan out. The cycle was not broken and things have gotten worse. The light side of the force seems to have been driven from the universe, and it's believed that Luke is the last flicker of light left, that is until Rey touches Luke's saber and her power fully begins to appear. In fact, Maz Kanata helps Rey to understand that she needs to let go of her past, release her attachments to move forward, allowing her to surpass Luke and Anakin. However, the universe is still trapped in an escalating cycle, the end result of this go around being the First Order and Starkiller base - bigger, darker, and more destructive.

The First Order are stormtroopers, so we know who they are right way. They are foot soldiers and loyal to this new 'empire'. But unlike clones (who were created and programmed) or the stormtroopers of 4-6 (ordinary citizens enlisted into the military), First Order stormtroopers are a horrible hybrid of clonetroopers and Jedi. These units are programmed just like the clones were, but were stolen as children - a practice previously used by the Jedi. I can't help but feel that this is a dark insight on the failings of the old Jedi order and how rigid they actually were, leading to their downfall. Star Wars has always been about light and dark, good and evil, uniformity against diversity.

Not only does Ep 7 thematically deal with light and dark, but how it is shot was so clever at underlining these themes as well. The opening planet is a bright white shot of Jakku, that is blotted out by the dark shadow of the Star Destroyer. The Stormtroopers arrive in darkness and become visible in the flickering light. They attack at night, and BB8 flees in darkness. Rey appears during the day, in the darkness of the Star Destroyer before walking out into the light. She finds BB8 during the day. Finn sheds his stormtrooper armor and his old self as he walks through the desert, and puts on Poe's jacket to become a new person. Han's ship is dark and empty, just like he is until he is returned home and the spark of life and purpose comes back to him. The snow on Starkiller base is bright white, and Kylo and Rey fight among dark trees - a perfect visual for the light fighting the dark. Kylo is in black and uses anger to gain power, Rey is in light grey (interesting choice) and only finds power through calm and letting go of her fear. Starkiller Base explodes and becomes a sun, a source of light. One of the most moving sequences of light and dark for me comes when Kylo and Han are on the bridge. The sun is being drained, but there is still light in the sky that is shining on Kylo and Han. It's only when that light goes out, that Kylo does the final act in darkness. Powerful imagery.

Star Wars The Force Awakens leaves many questions unanswered because it knows that it is part of a trilogy, but through clever use of mirroring, tells a very rich story in a small amount of time. Every time I watch the film, I find something new, like understanding that Rey was left on Jakku after Kylo killed the Jedi (as shown in her flashback). So, did Luke hide her away, and then leave breadcrumbs to find him so that the First Order was only looking for him and Rey could protected?

Overall, I found the movie to be brilliant and successful and I'm happy we have a new addition to our mythic cycle.