Pride and Past

This last weekend was filled with events, something I tend to avoid since being busy all the times makes me especially crazy. But some weekends it’s unavoidable and this last weekend fell soundly into that category. It isn’t that I wasn’t excited for the two events, but that things like this make me tired and long for sleeping, one of my all time favorite activities to do on the weekend. These two things being the big Twin Cities gay pride events and my 20 year high school reunion.

It is hard to think about my past life in high school, since it is easy to confuse what really happened with what I saw in a John Hughes film. After all, I am pretty sure that I didn’t use a computer to make a perfect woman. That doesn’t sound like me at all. But did I have cake with the high school dream hunk for my missed 16th birthday? That just may be. Either way, I was heading back down memory lane and visiting people who I haven’t seen in 20 years. I always want to think that my life in high school was normal, that I wasn’t the same self absorbed teen that I see in others when they arrive in my training classes, that I was somehow different. But I wasn’t. My only hope is that in the many years since I left, the ugly edges and sharp barbs have worn away and left me as something much more than I was. I was prepping to run with the old crowd again, the people that meant so much when we were forced to live and breath in the same crowded halls, and the people that quickly spun away when the one tie that bound us was cut and we were free to become who we wanted to be. It is unfair to say that they completely slipped away, after all we kept tabs on each other, and Heather and I still spent a great deal of time together post high school. But for the most part, they were gone. Each of us off on our own adventures, new characters entering the stories of their lives, while we all got our own spin off shows. Like Rhoda and Mary Tyler Moore.

The first event for the reunion that I went to was the family picnic. From the start, I knew that my visit would be brief since children, as a rule, annoy the crap out of me. My tolerance for watching them run amok lasts about an hour and then I want to wail and gnash too. Still, I wanted to see people, sniff out a bit of their stories as a heads up before the madness of the reunion would be in full swing and catch a glimpse of them in their normal lives. Heather was there, of course - my safety anchor in a sea of unfamiliar faces. Some of the old gang was there, Jessica, Carrie, Heather, Becky and more, and I was thrilled to be able to talk with them for a bit. As we shared bits of our stories, Jessica turned to ask me "Where is your beloved?" and my first response was "Who?" It wasn’t more than a few seconds before my brain figured out just what she was talking about and I let them know that Brent was home still. Later, when I told this story to Brent, he had the same reaction to the term beloved. "Who?" and when I made the connection, he asked, "Who uses that term? What are we, vampires or something?" His other comment was that he could only see himself using that term with a heavy hand of sarcasm and that pretty much sums up who we are as a couple. I can’t really fault him for it, since I am exactly the same.

10 years ago, I made Brent come with me to the 10 year reunion and we had a wonderful time, but there were far fewer people. My graduating class was nearly 700 people, and 20 years later, 230 of them decided to attend the reunion. That isn’t to say that this time it wasn’t fun, I did have a wonderful time. But with 230 people, it was much harder to connect with everyone. Each of us were masters of summing up the last 20 years into two or three sentences before moving on to the next person and repeating the same story. "After HS, I went to the U of MN, I worked as an actor for 6 years. Hated it, temped at AT&T where I still work as a trainer. So, I teach people. Brent and I met in college, it has been 15 years. And you?"

The old gang got more of the story. That is where the real magic was, in touching back on who I was to these people and just what we all meant to each other. Old photos proved that I was much younger at one point in my life, and if it was possible, much gayer too. Attached is Brent’s current favorite picture of me, which is from 1987 and I think proves that I invented the Sex in the City pose. It was odd to be with people who knew the old me so well, who had secret knowledge of the times before college and in so many ways, helped shape just who I would become. I never really thought about before, but I had always assumed that I found my personality deep inside me, free from other’s influence and that I was unique and special. But really, in talking to my dear friends, I could see bit of myself in each of them. The parts of my sense of humor in Seth, the hyper energy in Heather, the level head in Jessica, the freedom in Carrie, the joy in Becky, the sense of duty in Monica, and so on. Crazy to remember just how much I needed these people, and in many ways, how much I still need them in my life in some aspect. Of course, many things that I already knew were confirmed. I always pretended that people were clueless about my big gay secret, but most of them weren’t. After all, look at some of the pictures from that time and it is like a big old sign over my head. I knew on some levels that the treatment I got came from my obvious outsider status, but that was ok. In talking with Fitz, whose hyper energy has not dipped since I knew him 20 years ago, he confirmed that most people knew the big secret. Hard to really call it a secret I guess. But then again, there were plenty of people still in denial until Brent was in their face at the 20 year reunion. A few people, in their drunken state, say to me "I am so happy that you are happy." This code phrase is so familiar to me. In telling this story to Seth, he said, "I would have said, 'I am so happy that you are happy – liking wieners'". That is the level of class I grew up with. It would only get worse with my friends in College, but that is a different and ongoing story.

I was also surprised at some of the anger people still had at each other 20 years later. Every so often, you could see that fire light back up in their eyes, some old hurt ripping open once again even though the details are now fuzzy and hard to place. It seemed really silly to me to still be angry about something that happened when you were a kid. A kid who didn’t know shit about anything yet somehow thought all of the answers were so clear and obvious. But, in the end, it was fabulous. Reconnecting with people who I still care about, whose well-being still makes me smile and knowing that they still remember me with some fondness, was worth the price of admission. Which was $50, and you would think they could have turned on the AC in that place. This is Minnetonka people, were the money is supposed to live. Splurge on air.

Sunday saw the Pride parade, the annual 2 hour 'sit on the side of the street and watch a moving commercial' event that we attend just about every year. There was nothing special about this year that was any different than any other year. Being Minnesota, the amount of really freaky people is small, and mostly, we have families and friend around us. Sitting on the side of Hennipen Ave, watching the floats and wishing I was a sleep was par for the course. Julie, Claire, Julie’s sister-in-law and her kids, Julie’s mom, Brent, Brian, Nersi, Chad and I were all in attendance this time around, and we had our typical snarky fun. Claire, it turns out, can scream louder than ANYONE I KNOW. But that was good because it attracted the attention of the candy throwers for the kids. Once the parade passed, Brent who hates crowds and walking, took Brian home and I went to the part with the girls to meet up with Nersi and Chad. I am not sure why I go to the Park and then I see all the people, and I remember that the people watching is so awesome. Plus, much like the reunion, it gave me the chance to see people that I haven’t seen since last years Pride. And walking around the park with beefy Chad is always entertaining. As Nersi said to me, "It’s like being Harvey" and that just about made me pee.